loony4lupin

Tomorrow I move to the University of Colorado to start the rest of my life.

Talk about fucking scary.

It's so hard to explain the sheer amount of feelings that are going through me, running through the backs of my arms and the pit of my stomach and the back of my neck and all those places where you aren't supposed to feel strong feelings but do when your body is a hodgepodge of emotion.

I mean, it's wonderful that I get to go there. And i love the fact that I get to live out my dream; theatre and pathology in a unity. I've been thinking about writing a play about it. But I'm not sure how I could deal with people actually reading it and hating ir or liking it or whatever. But anyway, I don't know anyone at CU. No one.
Not a soul.
I've corresponded with my room mate, but that is it. And it's frightening.

I have to work harder now, be more me... does that make any sense? In highschool everybody knew who I was and what I was about, they knew that I was funny and smart and loved vodka but hated gin (which reminde me of smokeandparisandliesanddeath) and laughed funny and smoked cloves and gave the best advice ever and kept secrets and orgainzed protests and loved animals and loved cutting up dead people and was ace at getting up on stage to be someone else and that I loved to sing and that I had a thing for older men and looked forward to seeing me in my new crazy clothes and giggled when I got on my political high horse and how much I loved tea and how being a veggie was painful for me and how much I hated words that were made by people who didn't truly believe in the English language and how I melt at accents and who my friends were; not to mess with them or i would mess with you and could read most of my moods and laughed at my worry and... well they loved me.
I don't want to work for people to love me. But I'm so worried that maybe that's what I will end up doing, working so hard for these new people to love me as much as KC love me; which I think is impossible.
It's just terrifying.

I'm starting to realize things that I never knew before; how much I love the people I left behind.

Boys who made me laugh; made parts of me fall so desperately in love with them that i will never really get those pieces back to call them my own again.
Boys who are my guilty pleasure; who I never knew I would ache for, who i would compare every other male to, who gave me drinks and kisses and laughs and maybe their hearts but managed to creep into wrists like ivy.
Girls who warmed my heart; made me realize how special they are if I just let my guard down and how I really can't live without them, can't live without the laughter and the advice and the reality.
Girls who opened my eyes; made me believe in friendship again, who touched my hand and held close and drove too fast and took part of my heart even though I fought it every step, girls who will ultimately shape the way I raise my children.
People who changed my life; made me understand what love is and how many shapes it can twist into without being able to feel the shifts.

They say that highschool friends fade away and maybe that is true, but I can not imagine forgetting or being forgotten. I know it will happen. But my memories are strong in my chest, like caged butterflies; waiting for their turn to spill out and graze eye lids and cheeks and belly's full of laughter.

I could write a million pages about each one of my friends. And I've been thinking about doing it; making sure I document every feeling I ever felt about them... but I'm afraid i will cling too closely, because they are the most amazing people I have ever met. No doubt. Too full of life and not empty of anything.

I'm not sure what I'm driving to tomorrow.
Or what I'll find when I get there.
But I promised myself I wouldn't cry too hard when I look behind me and not see my constants in my review mirror.

My voice breaks like a piano.

Today is one of those days where you want to go back to bed because you just know... KNOW that it's going to be on the top 20 worst days of your life.
Even happy music makes me moody. Which is a challenge.
I've been listening to pathetically sad music all day long and even thought about buying an old Damien Rice cd to really intensify my depression. But I didn't because Target only had the new one and I heard that the new CD was really kind of happy and I wanted to relive the depression of some summers ago, with Areli and Staci. I was so skinny then. Well yes, I guess that is the perks of being heart broken... but now I think my heart is too bent to be broken.
Yes. I hope that I will be like the lady from "Classic Cars".
Yum.
Seriously.... I feel like drowning in jello. That is how low I would sink to disappear right now.
Inspirational I know.
I need to vacuum.
And the likely-hood of Chris (aka Deli Boy) asking me out is practically slim to none, mostly because I (hopefully) leave on Monday... but alas, we have reached the source of my sadness.
The loan company has yet to say whether or not they will give me the money for the whole year, right now they have only agreed to a semester (20K and i need 38K). I will know by tomorrow. If it isn't good news, I'm not sure my heart could take it. I may cry for days. I may murder plants. I may eat meat, so that I can have a a seizure and die.
I really hope it won't come to that though. Hopefully they will call and say: "Yes, we will give you all this money to go to school. Yes, we want you to be in debt."

I can't even think about if they don't.
My stomach twists and I feel ILL. Violently and tragically ill, nasty butterflies... no, they aren't butterflies; they're maggots eating the inside of my body. And it's just... unbearable.
I try to think of puppy dogs and unicorns but even that has ceased to work on my mood.

I'm even contemplating going running, which I think is tragic.
I mean really.

Maybe I'll bake tonight... that will release endorphins but I doubt there will ever be enough but good news.
"I wanna hear good news, good news. I wanna be innocent again."

Blast.
I really have all these wonderful ideas for stories, but I just don't have the heart to write them down. Although I did beta for this wonderful, if not disturbing fic that included Percy/Peter. It was well written and original; which everything I've been writting lately has lacked. So it was nice to see that SOMEONE has talent to spare.

I can't even look at my audition pieces without bursting into tears and simultaneously wanting to end my life in a really painful way. Even if I don't like pain. This would all be better if Deli Boy would ask me out, and we would go out and possibly fuck away my problems. But then again, he looks a little sweet for that. He may even be gay, but he flirts in such a wonderful way. And ohmyGodyoushouldseehiswrists!
Heavenly.
Anyway, I'm going to head to the deli tomorrow no matter what the result of the depressing Loan compnay because I'm getting my hair done and then I'm going to eat lots of chocolate cake and hope he'll ask me out and avoid Jeremey (Cook Boy) who keeps asking me out. I obviously give off the wrong signs because all the guys I like are intimidated and all those who I'm not interested in flock to me.

My right foot hurts.
And I've spent the whole day in a constant state of prayer.

Mfdoausdf;ajksdf;aowifuawrfjwOFIUJWAOFU.
Yes. That's exactly how I feel. Insert some flailing, tears and desperation; that is the definition of my being right now.

As I sit here and go through LJ, I'm almost ready to cry.
Everyone is friendlocking and moving and communities are in a panic. This is stupid and I hate it.

This journal has become friends only... only because LJ is being difficult and I don't want to take the chance of getting in trouble. So I don't really care who I friend, as long as you are of age because some of the entries here are adult. This is just a fanfiction journal, my fanfiction can be found here. So go ahead and friend this for random information and ranting. I have a greatestjournal account and a insanejounral account by the same name and those entries will not be protected. 
Anyway. Happy friending. (Banner by ainabarad)